ThinkofGreg.net - Website In Memory of Greg Singleton, Surviving a Suicide Loss

Think of Greg Picture of a Rotating skateboard in 3-D

Jan. 25th 1981 - Sept.15th 2001
This web site is dedicated to the memory of Greg Singleton, Milford, Ohio, USA

Information about Suicide Loss

What it means to be a survivor of a loved ones' suicide

When you have lost someone to suicide, your grief is intensified. You may experience stress, anger, guilt, isolation and depression.

"Suicide carries in its aftermath a level of confusion and devastation that is...beyond description." ...Kay Jamison

Here are some things to remember:

IT'S OKAY TO GRIEVE:
The death of a loved one is a reluctant and drastic amputation, without any anesthesia. The pain cannot be described, and no scale can measure the loss. We despise the truth that the death cannot be reversed, and that somehow our dear one returned. Such hurt!! It's okay to grieve.

IT'S OKAY TO CRY:
Tears release the flood of sorrow, of missing and of love. Tears relieve the brute force of hurting, enabling us to "level off" and continue our cruise along the stream of life. It's okay to cry.

IT'S OKAY TO HEAL:
We do not need to "prove" we loved him or her. As the months pass, we are slowly able to move around with less outward grieving each day. We need not feel "guilty", for this is not an indication that we love less. It means that, although we don't like it, we are learning to accept death. It's a healthy sign of healing. It's okay to heal.

IT'S OKAY TO LAUGH:
Laughter is not a sign of "less" grief. Laughter is not a sign of "less" love. It's a sign that many of our thoughts and memories are happy ones. It's a sign that we know our memories are happy ones. It's a sign that we know our dear one would have us laugh again. It's okay to laugh.

Grief - if we avoid it will it go away?

Dealing appropriately with grief is important in helping to preserve healthy individuals and nurturing families, to avoid destroying bodies and their psyche, their marriages and their relationships.

You can postpone grief but you cannot avoid it. As other stresses come along, one becomes less able to cope if one has other unresolved grief. It requires a great deal of energy to avoid grief and robs one of energy for creative expression in relating to other people and in living a fulfilling life. It limits one's life potential.

Suppressing grief keeps one in a continual state of stress and shock, unable to move from it. Our body feels the effects of it in ailments. Our emotional life suffers. Our spiritual life suffers. We say that the person is "stuck in grief".

When a person faces his grief, allows his feeling to come, speaks of his grief, allows its expression, it is then that the focus is to move from death and dying and to promote life and living.

(NOTE: The above was taken from: SA\VE - Suicide Awareness\Voices of Education, Minneapolis, MN, http://www.save.org)

Suggestions for Survivors

Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can.
Struggle with "why" it happened until you no longer need to know "why" or until you are satisfied with partial answers.
Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are normal.
Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses. You are not crazy, you are in mourning.
Be aware you may feel appropriate anger at the person, at the world, at God, at yourself. It's okay to express it.
You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do. Guilt can turn into regret, through forgiveness.
Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on those thoughts.
Remember to take one moment or one day at a time.
Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone if you need to talk.
Don't be afraid to cry. Tears are healing.
Give yourself time to heal.
Remember, the choice was not yours. No one is the sole influence in another's life.
Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece.
Try to put off major decisions.
Give yourself permission to get professional help.
Be aware of the pain of you family and friends.
Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand.
Set your own limits and learn to say no.
Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel.
Know that there are support groups that can be helpful, such as Compassionate Friends or Survivors of Suicide groups. If not, ask a professional to help start one.
Call on your personal faith to help you through.
It is common to experience physical reactions to your grief, e.g., headaches, loss of appetite, inability to sleep.
The willingness to laugh with others and at yourself is healing.
Wear out your questions, anger, guilt, or other feelings until you can let them go. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting.
Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond just surviving.

(NOTE: This was taken from Suggestions for Survivors, by Iris M. Bolton, From Suicide and its Aftermath, (Dunne, McIntosh, Dunne-Maxim, Norton and Co., 1987))

How can friends help suicide grievers?

Let them be who they've become -- people changed by tragedy. Just try to "be there." Support whatever form their grief takes. Trying to understand is okay, but just caring is enough. Realize that you can't possibly relate to what they are experiencing and that you don't have to. It's okay to talk about "it" because that's all that's on their minds. Expect some anger and conflicting expressions towards their lost loved one as emotions are in turmoil. Let any statements they make about responsibility, blame, or guilt just flow. It will sort itself out over time. Please mention their loved one, especially if it was a son or daughter. Avoid setting any timetable for recovery as there isn't any.

Suicide Loss Rights

Experiencing a suicide loss is a disorienting and disruptive life experience. Unlike those who experience other traumatic losses, we are usually left to "get it together" on our own. We may also be made to feel that what happened was the result of there being "something wrong" with the victim, our families, or us, and we are treated accordingly.

A Statement of Suicide Loss Rights

We have the right to a grief that is complex, chronic, and disabling. Death is a normal life crisis; suicide is the ultimate abnormal life crisis.
We have the right to be free of stigma. In our society suicide has a negative connotation. This afflicts us as it did those we lost.
We have the right to be angry about our loss and to be able to express it appropriately at the one we have lost or ourselves.
We have the right to feel responsible for things we did or did not do in relation to our loss. We may or may not come to feel differently.
We have the right to grieve in a manner and timeframe that works best for us. We don't have to "get over it."
We have the right to know "why." All who grieve yearn for the one lost. We also seek to understand what happened.
We have the right to regard our lost loved one as a victim. Suicide is the outcome of debilitation; it is not a choice or a decision.
We have the right to cooperation from police and the health care community if we seek information on how our loss came about.
We have the right to the truth about our loss. We should have access to information as early as possible, if we need it.
We have the right to know that we are not by definition candidates for psychotherapy or counseling, or that we must "get help."
We have the right to channel our experience to aid the suicidal or other suicide grievers, or to help others better understand either group.
We have the right to never be as we were before. Other ends to grief do not apply to us. We survive, but we do not "heal."

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We Love And Miss You Greg!